Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A Commencement Speech I'd Like To Hear

In addition to Memorial Day, this was a big weekend for me as I graduated from college on Sunday. When I graduated from high school, it was quite chilly. At my high school, the men wear suits and the women wear white for graduation (instead of caps and gowns), and I was glad that I had decided to go with a white pantsuit instead of a sleeveless dress like a lot of the other girls did. On Sunday, I had the opposite problem. The temperature hovered around 90 degrees, and we were all in black graduation robes. I did have a water bottle, but I didn't want to drink too much because there was no way to take a bathroom break while they read all of the names.

We didn't get anyone exciting as our commencement speaker; it was an alumna of the college who was being honored with an honorary doctorate. Hers was the last speech in a long line of speeches I'd heard during the pre-graduation baccalaureate and the graduation ceremony itself. It struck me that the people who write commencement speeches don't remember their own commencement and how much they wished the speaker would be DONE already. With that in mind, here is the type of speech I think many graduates would like to hear.

"Class of (insert year here), congratulations! As you sit here on this (hot/cold/rainy/sunny/etc) afternoon, there is one quote that I believe we should all keep in mind, from William Shakespeare: Brevity is the soul of wit. Rather than giving advice you will not remember, or share personal stories that you cannot relate to, or attempt to pass on some profound message, I shall simply say a few words. Here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you."

In other news, I'll have a review of Iron Man 2 up either tomorrow night or Thursday morning.